the dilemma of being transparent

Daily Life

the dilemma of sitting at this keyboard and transporting my thoughts, and most days my deepest heart felt emotions, is this…total exposure!  a partial glimpse, an innuendo, a hint a jostle toward a subject or do i just lay it all out at the risk of hurting those i love honoring what i feel burning in my heart.  so on this occasion i  decide to ask the one i love what he thought and so it begins.

everything that seems to revolve or develop out of me some how relates to family and the church.  obviously we are all born into some kind of family and myself, being raise on the wooden pew of a church.  it would seem to us in academia that God would have sent a full grow adult to be the savior of the world.  instead, God entered history inside the body of a tiny human frame incapable of doing anything for himself, placing him in a family. it seemed God ensured that he would be shaped by family, community and the common place.  probably, to be far to simplistic, it’s as though he came to the realization of his divinity, through the ordinary routines of common human experiences.   i wonder how many times he asked his parents to retell the stories of his birth, what the angels said, what did the wise foreigners do…etc. (exactly as my children do).  they love to hear us retell stories of our childhood and our memories of their lives.  the hours of conversations betweens them, obviously they had to discuss that he was unique, and then the episode in the temple told us he was quite comfortable with the highest legal minds…. and with God.  this episode had to stick out to mary as a monumental milestone in his life, yet he remained obedient to his parents.  he worked with his father, observed trade, created living spaces, or facilitated those working in the fields. He was inserted into peoples lives in order to connect with their physical needs.   Jesus learned a lot by how they treated each other (and for all the hippies out there) how they respected the earth. i’m sure He even gave bids on job and collected on those jobs.  he learned to judge  character. the concern of meeting basic life necessities played an important role in making him acutely aware of the life concerns of people.  seems odd, that God wold chose the common place as the schoolroom to place the most brilliant man to ever live..  he didn’t just belong to the educated, he belong to those who hammered and fished and farmed.  he also hated the way the religious folk imparted heavy burdens on them.  he came to see the spiritual bankruptcy of the approaches of religious leaders.  such rules!! such foolishness!  he brought freedom!

why am i saying all this.. because sometimes, many times, thing are not as they seem.  brilliance can be hidden in a carpenter, someone may be way above ther abilities yet life has dealt them a much different hand.  sometimes its not necessary to display ones abilities to find completion…to find worth. sometimes the wilderness is the most crystallizing place of all….and often times necessary.

my boy began having panic attacks last year in his sophomore year of high school, so severe we landed in the emergency room.  preceding this he had been in a very, very dark place.  my son has Aspergers.  life had been a struggle for the past 3 years with severe depression.  my heart had hurt so bad i felt as though i would die…as though i was already dying.  there were moments i wish it would have burst, so i would at least have had some relief from the pain i felt over that boy.  we had a very bad in situation in 4th grade (i won’t go into now) that started a sadness and wounding in him that would not go away.  this child has such a bright, imaginative and brilliant mind.  since he was, well before he talked (he was a very late talker) accessing things way beyond his years in the computer sciences (of course that is code for computer gaming) he thought about life and about death but in a such a beauty that had been untouched by bitterness, or hurt, or without anger and without any malice.  as a mom of a child who has suffered an injustice, i mean a real injustice, (such as an assult or days of darkness so deep they can’t eat)  and you spend every single day fighting for the key, something, anything…..searching, hoping, looking and crying out to God. he is tall, handsome, statured like my father.   it almost becomes debilitating to your own soul.  you just want a life for that boy, a life that is as an equal…as pure, unadulterated, unmixed as he is.  the way he views the  world.  not perfect, no its not perfect, just the way we were intended to be before we were  tainted with caring about what people thought of us, what we wear, or what we like, or where we live or who we hang out with.  he had the perfect grip on all this…and in some crazy way he was, with this attitude, accepted….i think admired.  a strength so many of us lack. one i think we all want, and even determine to have, but just lack the courage to carry out.  this was a great appeal until his innocence, his honesty was exposed to the truth, until it was revealed that there are many who don’t have the same sort of motives, they see as a lesser person to themselves, a lesser achiever, a lesser person on the academic scale, not capable of achieving the statis in life they themselves were certain the were going to reach.  it is obvious to anyone who meets my boy he is a being of great knowledge and abilities, however even a person he esteemed his dear friend, his confidant, he made an innocent blunder with. he didn’t know their sights and focus were on succeeding. because of his anxiety and having to pull him out of school, and, quite honestly, his being so far above his peers, we decided to let him get his high school equivalency diploma thru the university of texas.  well in naivety he said (so blatantly and without trepidation) “i’m getting my GED and then i will start with my college courses so i can start preparing for the future”.  well all his friend heard was GED and loser.  any admiration, or comradery, or respect, or foundation of character and abilities, the  past 10 months meant nothing.  the only thing that mattered was how his social status had changed his ability to earn, his ability to offer a social standing, his ability to give, these things that he had been taught were the central things of life.  all this, in his friend’s mind, was gone.  he had already discarded him like the bottom step you use to get to the top step.  now to tie the top half of this blog into all this rambling, i found it so interesting that the savior of the world would be entrusted to a family to raise, just as my son had been entrusted to me.. to us…to our family.  my boy has this strange ability to speak among the educated with ease and confidence yet sit by the creek and have wild birds land in his hands.  the night he finally just asked his friend,  “are you avoiding me, are you mad with me, have i done something wrong?”  i was so thankful that Emma, his older sister, was there for support, to offer advice, and to say, this is not about you, this is about them.  anyway, he basically went from a man who could understand high computer programs, could process literature on a college level, who had hands of the purest kindness …to a loser in one short conversation.  had he been taught to bring home a pay check, yet leave his wife night after night? what if he’s her intellectual superior? will he make her feel small and inadequate…look past her and see the younger, prettier girls in the room.  possibly just choose the one with the most degrees, because this is what you build your life on..things aren’t always what they seem?  the one in the menial job?….certainly its all he’s capable of, or certainly he wouldn’t be there….right?  the one with the degree deserved it…he is the smarter and more gifted.  as i see him broken and pondering what on earth have i said or done, i think about the dynamics of our families, are we teaching our kids how to marry, how to chose a mate?  i hear mom’s joke, “look at his w2!! Ha Ha!” as i look at my boy, potential not obvious, but abilities far beyond most, yet he would be passed over. none the less, what of the qualities he’s learned?…not to leave her night after night, but rush home to be with her….knowing he might be smarter, more educated than her, yet let her have the center stage because she has his heart and to him no one moves him deep in his soul like her.  in a room, his eyes never look past her, his eyes are always on her, because she is always at the forefront of his mind. take a lesser paying job because of traveling, because he can’t fathom a day without seeing her.  emma and i hurt so deeply…we felt so helpless! not just over this particular friendship, but, over the realization that he had, somehow, lost an innocence of “being”, of total exposure of oneself…no front, no judgement he sees everyone as a person, not as a set of abilities or certificates.  now this is somehow tainted.  knowing how many gifts and talents and what a gift he will be to someone, my boy will be alright, he has a strong mind, for deep things, and abilities that are meant for studies, higher academia…and that is good only if it is used to serve others, but, i felt so strong this post was meant for someone, many people who are in places in their lives which are far beneath their abilities, yet they are in places that, like my son, people look and think “loser” .  you are discouraged and feel as though you have no worth.  i just wanna say, life sometimes is all about opportunity, not one’s abilities or smarts, and, often times, life pushes us into places that are not a reflection of ability or skills.  often times, we are mis-judged, just like my boy, and people miss out on talented souls sprinkled about…hidden behind jobs and lives we shrug off as un-important. i so often hear the saying everything you do is based on a choice “you” make.  it’s not your parents, your teacher, your dog, bla bla bla, only you are responsible for every decision.  i know a kid, a smart kid, whose mom is on prescription pain meds and he had to drop out of school, take on two jobs so he could support his mom and lil brother and remain in the house so his brother could graduate school. he had the ability to make it into college, set his life on a path, but life said otherwise.  yeah, his choice he made today are from what he decided to “become” yesterday.  i’d say he decided to become, honorable, noble, selfless. i see him at work, circles under his eyes, and my heart breaks, its certainly not a lack of intelligence or abilities or poor choices, its just life.  i would rather my daughter date this boy than..well you get my point.  like my boy he will be OK in life..that is if he doesn’t give up, doesn’t accept himself as a weak link.  he has depth of spirit, depth of soul that will bring value to this world, value to a wife, a family, an employer.  he will be successful, but in far more honorable way….and it will be SO hard.  be encouraged, you are of value and you have a meaning in this life, God is keenly aware of you.  you are not forgotten.  just like my boy, he is not forgotten and his destiny is still as real and mapped out as before.

out of this he is going to be a guest on the blog and share some of is writings.  he is an amazing story teller.  i really feel he will eventually share his struggle….we will see.  it is a daily struggle for him, a broken spirit takes time to mend.  i’m learning, like most moms i suppose, to let go a lil more, to be secure in what God has for his life.  i have said a prayer more times than i can count, and often i could hear a faint voice in my spirit when i hadn’t  the composure to speak, “do not be afraid for Wyatt no harm will come to him. he is my child also.  i love him more than you do!”  a promise God made to me many years ago.  with social media we all peek into what appears to be lives that are just a knotch below perfect and then curl up in our world and feel inadequate, the pictures are staged, the kids posed.  i just want to encourage you, if you have a promise or a destiny you feel deep in your soul, a gifting, a talent,  life has slammed you, you feel like one of those hidden among the many, let me tell you….life had buried me, however  just through the top I could touch the tips of God’s hand and held on long enough for my faith to rebuild until i grabbed onto his hand, then He pulled just a lil bit and as my faith increased i was able to pull out a lil more until i could feel the sunshine on my face and then, eventually, i was standing on my feet.  but i was standing with a new resilience and strength that i had never known before.  i was a new person, a person with a destiny, a story to share a mission, a purpose.. the tips of His fingers are there, all you have to do is reach out. faith is a very personal thing and timing is different for everyone.  don’t feel inadequate or impotent because your faith is not what the faith rock stars (that is a tongue in cheek reference to the televangelists and soothsayers we often hear) say it should be, i don’t know how you increase faith, how you “grow” it, all i know is, you are of value, and the moment you reach out, His hand responds.


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